A few weeks ago before Christmas I had a little dance with the devil on the subject of suicide.
At home in the middle of the afternoon after a long run of sleep deprivation I was feeling very low and in my usual place of residence in the utility room where the tiles are cold. Not conducive with normal daily living I am sure you will agree. I just felt I had really had enough of this miserable life and if I had the nerve I could just taken the easy way out. After all, I had all the pills required to do the job.
However............................ I have a wonderful husband and great children and grandchildren who would have to suffer from my actions so got very upset thinking this way. But the thoughts just wouldn't go away despite trying to distract myself with crossword, sudoku and solitaire etc., all the while suffering a really sore flare. I walked about and listened to the radio, all sorts really but still the thoughts kept butting in. ' You could do it, you really could, you have the means' then ' the family, you'll harm the family' on and on they went round in my head and I was in a real state and crying which is not something I do easily. I really thought I was actually capable of doing away with myself. My mind was being pulled this way and that until I thought I would go mad. I was very wound up and by now quite frightened of what I could do.
To cut a long story short and after phoning my husband who was at work I called my GP's surgery only to get the message that they were shut due to staff training and just gave an emergency number. When I dialled this time I spoke to a nice chap who listened to my almost incoherent ramble and then kept me talking. He asked a lot of questions and all the while was arranging for an ambulance to come to me.
By now my husband had arrived and then the ambulance turned up and took me to A & E. It was all very well organised but I felt bad about using the ambulance rather than someone who perhaps needed it more. The nice crew reassured me that I was considered as much a patient as any other person.
Once at the hospital the usual long wait took place but I was never left on my own. Eventually seen by a doctor who quizzed me and said she couldn't give me any drugs. I wasn't looking to be given drugs and told her so. I had enough of those at home but it was the thoughts that I might harm myself that was the problem. I did a lot of crying that night.
Eventually a Mental Health chap saw me. He was so quiet and very kind. Asked lots of questions and took a lot of notes.. By now my eldest daughter had arrived, so between my husband and her they were able to give him their side of my story with EM and how it has affected all our lives. .Must have spent a couple of hours just talking to him and watching him taking notes I finally managed to stop blubbing every few minutes too. He went right back to my childhood with his questions and through my medical history. I swear that man was an angel in disguise and I am in no way a spiritual/religious person.
Finally he announced that I wasn't going mad and was not in any danger of harming myself. It was all down to the medication I take. And then I was sent on my way with phone numbers to ring in case I had the bad thoughts again or when felt like I needed to talk to someone without putting it on the shoulders of family.
In my usually rational frame of mind I know that a lot of the stuff we use can give you these dark thoughts but I had not experienced them before so had forgotten all the blurb on the leaflets that come with the medicines.
It really made me take stock of things and now I am much more aware of the pitfalls the drugs can cause. I have a note now where I keep my medicines which reminds me that it is the pills that can make me feel this way. Since that day I haven't had any more bad days like that thank goodness. I read that little reminder every day too.
I have seen many references about suicide by other members here and hope they can get help like I did. I am not ashamed of owning up to having had a possible Mental Health issue just glad I will see my children and grandchildren get older and get a bit older myself with my great hubby.
t made me feel better when my own doctor, who had obviously been apprised by the hospital of my treatment there, then prescribed the same drugs as a repeat without any question and in high enough numbers for me to feel that he trusts me not to do anything stupid. Don't think he was even surprised to learn of my problem as he has seen my EM progress since I first approached him with early symptoms.
There, I'm done It's 3am and I'm going to take one of the pills and hopefully go to sleep for a couple of hours.
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