I've just woken up from a great sleep considering this time last week i was in that much pain that i was unable to lay down and put my legs up hence sleeping in a chair. I put my feet to the floor and i felt the sharp burning pains go straight through my toes and foot arches. Yesterday, after i woke up I sat there for at least an hour afraid to stand up because of the pain that i knew awaited me. So today i put my feet to the floor, took a deep breath, bit the bullet and rose to my feet. I stood there for about 5 seconds trying not to scream as the tsunami of pain washed over me. I desperately wanted to retreat back to the comfort of my bed, but i told myself NO! NO! NO! I've got to overcome this and get on with it. With each step that i took i bit my lip harder so as not to scream out, waking everyone in the house. By about the 6th step i was shaking furiously because of the pain, but i was half way to the bathroom and i needed to keep going. I took a deep breath in and then quickly walked the further 6 paces to the bathroom as i exhaled. (A bit TIM) When i had finished, i was suddenly afraid to get up again, so once more i sat there, trying to build the courage to stand. About 5 minutes had passed and i told myself i cant sit on the toilet all day, so once again i breathed through the pain, washed my hands, grabbed a bottle of water and sat down. By this time i was shaking so hard i could barely even pop my medication out of its packaging. and when i did they would fly every which way. I've taken my pills and now I'm sitting here and i can hear my 3 month old son stirring, i feel like such a bad mother, i want to be able to hold him and take proper care of him, but I'm scared to hold him while I'm standing because of my loss of balance, the head spins and the blacking out etc. It makes me feel miserable knowing there are things that i am now unable to do with my kids that i always thought i would. Life really threw us a curve ball ey? I'm still coming to terms with everything. There are some days where all i do is cry and question myself, asking myself what use am i now. I feel like such a burden and when I'm screaming in agony and my children hear me....i just...i don't know any more. It breaks my heart when I'm crying and pacing the house in pain and my eldest daughter comes up to me and just hugs me and tells me she loves me. She knows that mummy's feet hurt very bad. I don't want to be remembered this way.
I so wish there was something that could offer you some relief. Tell you kids about the pain in a loving, playful voice. Talk it out. Give it crazy names and different personas. They’ll hear your sweet voice, learn about you and maybe at times give you a precious smile that’ll make the pain less recognizable for an instant. It’s one step, then another. I actually do this with my pups and think it helps. They give me this inquisitive look and keep moving their head from side to side. Always ears perked and eager to hear my next rambling. Your kids would get to know your inner soul, and you theirs.
My oldest is grown with a family of his own. My daughter is 15. Last summer I ended up having to send her to live with my mom. She is now 2000 miles away and i miss her dearly but it has been emotionally better for her not to see me in such pain. She knows the pain I have and does worry about me. But this way she can focus on herself and all the teenage changes and challenges she has. Its nice to talk to her, usually on my good days, so she doesn't have to see my bad days. To hear her say those precious words "I love you momma" makes life so precious. My strength comes from her and my husband. If it wasn't for the 2 of them, I wouldn't have made it through some of the worst pain in my life. Hang on to the precious times with your kids, it will give you strength you never knew you had. Having a spouse who supports you and is your rock to hang on to makes all the difference as well. I grew up knowing my mom had severe migraines. She also felt guilty for missing out on things, but it didn't affect my love for her. We are closer now than we have ever been. Enjoy those few good times and just do little things that make wonderful memories for them. Something as simple as reading a story together during a semi-low pain period, Coloring pictures in bed, funny little made up games. Anything little can make a good childhood memory. Me and my older sisters used to draw funny little pictures of migraine monsters for my mom to help keep the pain away. Kids are strong, kids with parents with challenges? are even stronger.
Just to add a note...me and my daughter are still making memories..she makes little bracelets for me and cards with silly sayings and pictures. I make her crafts things and made her a warm fuzzy blanket to wrap up in and pretend just for a while that its me hugging her. She told my mom that it really helps to have that blanket, its a comfort thing.